I would go out tonight...

Going out with a Bang

There is a bat shit crazy lady at work named Linda T who has worked for the company for over a decade. She is estranged from her husband but is still sleeping with him and paying his bills. He currently lives with her best friend. She likes to tell anyone who will listen all of this in excruciating detail (including their sex romps in which she broke her hip). She is incredibly unstable and cannot get through the day without crying over something.

Apparently she spends most of her work day in the ER waiting room watching HGTV. She has the remote on her at all times, even keeping it in her car over weekends. Last week, one of the patients changed the channel manually on the TV and when Linda T discovered this she changed it back to her program. The family explained that they wanted to watch their show and it turned into an all out brawl which ended in Linda T throwing the remote at them. She then marched into the back where she bragged to her coworkers about how she handled the situation. She was then escorted out by security and told she was no longer allowed on the property. 

I think the moral of the story is you can’t let people walk all over you your entire life because one day you will have a nervous breakdown at the only job you are qualified for and throw television remotes at the sickly and be written about on amateur blogs for tens of people to read.

Wound Care

You can tell at the hospital that no one likes us. And understandably so. We goof off constantly and there are little to no repercussions for our actions. I guess when the majority of your coworkers are college students and you make barely more than minimum wage, there is very little incentive to take the job seriously.

One way you can tell that we are the hospital pariahs is that our office is located next door to wound care. This means the hall (and the elevator and the bathroom) constantly stinks of a smell that can only be described as wound. Infected wound. It’s a very distinct smell. There are also dark stains all over the hall carpet leading to wound care where people ooze wound (or relieve themselves I’m not sure). The people that go to wound care require many follow up visits so we have gotten to know quite a few. We don’t know their names so we have given them names:

• Special Fred- He is special and very friendly. That is all. 
• Wound Leg- Slow walker. Very nice.
• No Arms- Needs help pushing elevator buttons.
• Creepy Candy Man- His wife goes to wound care and he stands in the hall and insists on giving me peppermints that I immediately throw in the trash. 
• No Nose- This guy is by far my favorite. He literally has no nose and just has slits like a skull. He also wears an eye patch. This is a terrifying combo worse than any scary movie, but I try not to react because it must be terrible for him. I see him every Monday and he always asks me where wound care is. I have to tell him every week! I guess he’s only working with one eye so I should be more sympathetic. He also has a habit of riding the elevator up and down and staying there all afternoon. Every time I’ve seen him he either jumps out at me from behind a corner or pops out of the elevator when it opens up on our floor. One day it happened four times! It was like a real life scooby-doo cartoon. 

Now it may seem like I am making fun of these unfortunate people but we have really grown to love them. I just wish they would move them to a different floor. Maybe designate the 6th floor to all things smelly.